Posts

Here I go again telling people what my plans are

I have been doing good, keeping my plans hidden, hurting my business, postings my events the day of , the reason behind that is that I am being watched. I learned that when I post in advance my events people disapear, the same people that promise you to take care of mom will start a big fight with her just days before my event to have the excuse of "well I can't take care of her anymore" and there I go again, the sad little girl comes out again, crying again, standing behind the door again, living with two crazy women again, who really don't care for her, and my event takes second place, and I no longer care about it, as I run away from the studio again, to bring the peace again, to explain to her again, not to take things to heart again, I keep thinking to myself , why did you share that event...

Your church will divorce you faster than you think

You know that feeling, the one when you are new and everyone likes you, everyone cares, if you miss a Sunday someone will reach out, you are a church rockstar if you are available to serve all the times they need, who cares if your life is falling apart, their conversation doesn't go past the "hi" and if you happen to leave early or miss a day when you were scheduled they will divorce you faster than you think. And everyone new is welcome, and that leadership position you always wanted is given to someone new, someone who just learned about Christ ,because you see they got too bored with you, they really don't care about you, you been here too long and we want to teach the new class, and they don't care if you miss or not if you have food on the table or not , they are too busy keeping the service according to schedule , so if you mom gets too disruptive unintentionally you will be asked to get her out  , because you see we have a packed house full of new members…

Nobody Cares

It is just a matter of looking good for your own reputation, you ask what's up you don't even let me finish, you want to learn more about me to turn around and copy me to compare yourself to me like we are in a competition and you suddenly ignore me and I am left up in the air wondering what did I did wrong are people not looking for friends anymore assumption led you to believe a lie that you thought it was true deep inside but now that you know you have been mislead you want to come back at it strong and I don't know who you are anymore and the cloud of doubt is so big that takes over all the calls and conversation and suddenly nothing is legit anymore and all the months of hoping and wishing were just a waste of time because nobody cares anymore to see a  life in front of you and take it before is gone....

Back and Forth personality

Who are you today--- today we get mother Teresa. Today she is the dedicated , compassionate, caring , understanding, reliable, loving, great at understanding mom's dementia daughter we wish we had all the time not just once or so per month... tomorrow who knows--- God helps us...

Leave it all to someone else to deal with it

Every morning now for the past week she leaves early, I get to give my mom breakfast her medication and getting her set for the day until the caretaker comes home.  My older sister is very abusive,  she leaves early to avoid doing this, who care if I feel like sleeping in, I have no choice I have to wake up two hours before work get ready and get mom ready but I get looked at as being selfish. Ever since mom memory got worse I had to quit my church ministry, my sister is still pretty active in her church as I have to no choice I have to be home every Wednesday night  in order for her to do her ministry at church, she gets to go to the gym and leave the house early everyday, I am not allowed to do such , she is also going away on vacation, I can't even get away for three hours without getting a text to come home, and now I decided to put mom back in the daycare which the bus comes pick her up very early, guess what... I get stuck setting evrything up and making sure it is all plann…

Your demeanor says everything

My mother has memory loss that keeps on getting worse, I unfortunately live with her and my older sister, you see taking care of someone with such disease could be better to manage but my crazy manipulative sister makes it worse and I am trapped in the middle. These two have fought their entire lives, I have seen then fight at birthdays, restaurants, church, etc etc... the have a broken relationship and I for all luck from the devil am trapped in the middle all the time.
I never get a choice, the texts  I get when I get a moment of freedom are “ juli I need you to come home” is pretty much drop what you are doing and come so who cares if I am in the middle of something who cares if I am busy, like this past Saturday I was head on working at the studio on my day off from taking care of mom, I had to come home to chaos, because she manages to get mom so upset and then she wants to blame it on the dementia, let me tell you something, I so much understand how dementia patients get upset s…

Is always a problem I want to do it

I am never alllowed or never given a choice... if is not my turn to take care of mom I get bombarded with texts the entire time I am away doing my thing on my own which is very rarely. If I ever wish to leave the house early in the morning I will have to ask for permission and coordinate with the caretaker while she can go do that anytime. Ask her how often do I text her or call her when she is not taking care of mom. I never do but when she is I get crazy texts all the time , needing me to do stuff or complaning to me about mom. An egotistic person who only see things as a problem when is her turn to step up, now I am debating what to say to her about asking her to help me get mom ready in the mornings when she goes back to the daycare.
All my life I have to write a script before talking to her because if I mess up I will be humilated to the floor to the point when I wish I was never even born.
I can't go on vacation , If i am even away for two hours I get texts abt everything. T…